Saturday, March 1, 2014

Study: Binge drinking amongst senior citizens at all time high

As baby boomers begin to settle into retirement, many are realizing they may live 10 or more years past their current nest egg savings.  In an effort to tip the scales, financial planners are suggesting clients start smoking and binge drinking so their life expectancy better lines up with their retirement plan.

Traditional non-smoking policies will now be Smoking Preferred while old Public Service Announcements are being dusted off to encourage poor health habits.

Bourbon and Scotch manufacturers are securing their place by reviving marketing campaigns and circulating old PSA's on the health benefits of whiskey.  Hard liquor pong tournaments are commonplace along with Anything Goes mixers sponsored by the liquor companies.

"STD's amongst seniors have sky rocketed but treatment is a fraction of the cost when compared to routine medical check ups and procedures," said staff physician Dr. Riley from ShadySide Retirement Community.  Adding, "the more they drink, the less I have to worry about a malpractice suit."

Ad agencies are rolling out new campaigns to this specific niche:

"Pall Mall: Unfiltered-like your views on Obama"

"What happens in the handicapped bathroom, stays there! 

"Only sneaky Japs get regular check ups.  Live Hard & Drink Grain Alcohol"

In a whiskey commercial set to air over the Thanksgiving holiday, a group of old timers are seen piling into a Buick Park Avenue smoking cigarettes.  Once inside the vehicle, a bottle of whiskey is pulled from under the driver's seat and guzzled by the driver who revs the engine then peels out.  The commercial hopes to promote what is being labeled as "Day Time Whiskey."

Gun manufacturers are also stepping up to the plate and supplying doctor's offices and retirement communities with steep discounts on hand guns.  This is a demographic which has previously been ignored but with the massive amounts smoking and binge drinking; putting a firearm in their hands just seemed American," said a Smith & Wesson rep who asked not to be identified.

So long as the rest of America can tolerate gun wielding drunk seniors, this may be our country's best option to curb looming Medicare costs.


No comments: