A 2010 government study found that 63% of Americans would be extremely interested in hibernating for up to 5 months if given the opportunity. Thanks to the FDA's recent approval of the drug Lazy Bones, their wishes may soon be granted.
Colorado based Christie Pharmaceuticals, which owns the patent to Lazy Bones, has been researching human hibernation since the 60's and thought it was a lost cause until President Obama's inspirational 2009 speech where he told the media, "I wish at least half of this country would hibernate to give me time to figure all this shit out."
The Obama administration introduced the "Take it Easy" initiative Wednesday and will seek approval from Congress for funding this $2.3 billion plan when they come back from recess in September.
"Take it Easy" is aimed at unemployed hipsters, illegal immigrants, prison inmates, insomniacs and employed people who simply need a break. The administration estimates that a whopping 185 million lethargic Americans will volunteer to hibernate for a minimum of 5 months.
"The ultimate plan is to curb unemployment, solve the immigration crisis and reduce greenhouse gases immediately," said White House staffer Andrew Valadakis. "If two thirds of the population is at rest, then unemployment goes away, traffic drops, we can start to restock natural resources and get this country back to it's glory days. Our hope is that human hibernation will spread worldwide."
So how does all this work?
Similar to a bear, the volunteers will begin a gorging process in the fall until their BMI gets into a healthy morbidly obese range. The day after the Super Bowl, the volunteers will take a generous dose of Lazy Bones. The patented super drug will drastically reduce the patients metabolic state. The body will then rely on stored body fat reserves for energy and water. In addition, the drug will allow humans to recycle their proteins and urine so volunteers don't piss themselves and have severe muscle atrophy come July.
Per the terms of the "Take it Easy" plan, volunteers will not be responsible for monthly payments and obligations while hibernating. Ideally, a fresh crop of volunteers will emerge in mid-July to replace jobs and keep the cycle going.
"It's basically like pausing your life for 5 months and waking up with a normal weight. We call it the lazy man's Biggest Loser, " said Valadakis. "I would strongly encourage people to sign up early to take advantage of this historic event."
To sign up for this program, the administration is asking volunteers to use #AmericaHibernates to indicate their interest.