Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Science teacher hoping new mustache will gain him respect with incoming 5th grade class

New Brunswick, NJ-  Local science teacher Ronald Harley's new look is not merely a fashion statement, but an attempt to get more respect this school year from a fresh set of pupils.

"Last year was a disaster," admitted Harley.  "This wise ass kid, Alex Darby, asks me, how far is Uranus from the moon?"

"For the first time in my teaching career, I thought I actually connected with a student and was really making a difference in this young man's life.  Maybe he would mention me as his inspiration years from now at some awards ceremony -who knows?  But as I scurried to look up the distance, I could here some snickering which grew louder by the second.  That's when I realized he was just busting my balls.  I lost all respect from my class for the remainder of the school year."

The mustache, which has been a work in progress since late June, should give Harley the instant respect that a young Tom Selleck would merit.  But good looks from his crisp new mustache will only get him so far.  Harley wisely chose to gather as much intel about the upcoming class as possible.  

"I actively reached out to some of the 4th grade teachers to see if I had any comedians coming into my class.  One name popped up repeatedly;  Ryder Hickory.  I already have it planned out that if Ryder gives me trouble, I'm gonna say: Keep it up Ryder and I'll be ridin' my foot up your ass!" Harley giggled.

"If anybody else acts up, I'm gonna smash this old solar system model on the floor to let them know I'm in charge.  I'll probably add something like-that's why you don't F with me!  Harley didn't want to get painted into a corner with that particular outburst as he feels the raw adrenaline will take over in that hypothetical situation.

MPG was able to contact Ryder Hickory who stated that he has a game plan of his own.  "On the first day of school, I'm going to raise my hand and say: Mr. Harley, I mustache you a question.  If he says what, I'm going to say, "How far is Uranus from your mustache."


Friday, August 29, 2014

Weirdest advertisement for a daycare EVER

So I need to put my kids in daycare, but I want the experience to be a Vegas style, no holds barred type environment where something reckless can happen at any moment -any suggestions?

Seriously, what the hell is with this sign?

"Um, Mrs. Smith, I'd like to tell you why your son has a giant bruise on his leg, but you know that slogan-what happens in daycare stays in daycare."

To be fair, this might have been a doggie day care which in some ways makes this even weirder.  What the hell are you doing with these dogs during the day?  Are you trying to breed the next Labradoodle? Maybe organizing some dog fighting ring?

"Ok, we'll bring Scout up in a second.  You may notice he has a bunch of scratches and some hair missing, but you'll be glad to know he earned $300 today.  I'd love to fill you in on the details but...you know."

Another reason I am fascinated with this sign is the unnecessary follow up, Just Like Vegas!  Like the person who ran this daycare saw it initially and said, "Maybe that's too vague, we have some room left, so let's play it safe."

Maybe this is a Nathan For You prank-who knows?

Was there a marketing meeting that went something like this:

"I want our new clients to feel like they are taking a gamble by leaving us in charge, but also want to add a weird element.  Kind of like that Vegas commercial."

Centerplate CEO starts Kick-A-Puppy Challenge

In response to the popular Ice-Bucket Challenge, Des Hague, CEO of Centerplate, is kicking off his new challenge where you beat the shit out of a puppy to raise awareness & funding for puppy mills.

Hague called out fellow demonic CEO's to take the disturbing challenge.