Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Elf on Shelf prime arson suspect

While the fifteen year old Victorian home on Adams Ave lit up the night sky, the McCallister family held each other in disbelief while their Elf on the Shelf, Simon looked on with a silly Steve Urkel, Did I do that, look on his soulless face. 

"He looked satisfied," said a distraught Kevin McCallister.  "We are in tears and that little bastard was just sitting next to us with this's hard to describe.  It's like he had this evil sense of accomplishment."

According to reports from the family, Simon had been moving around the house since December 1st as planned, but he incorporated fire into every move.

McCallister explained, "The first morning we found him near our fireplace with a little firefighter hat standing on a book of matches.  We thought it was cute.  The following morning he was sitting in a ring of lit candles on our dining room table which really shocked us.  Things got progressively more intense, I just never thought he would go this far."

An unsealed North Pole juvenile detention report leaked to the media states that Simon served time in the past for dropping a lit sparkler into a gasoline can causing a minor explosion back in 2013.  

Numerous calls to Santa Claus were not returned, however his public relation department issued this statement:

While we are heartbroken for the McCallister family, it is important to look at all of the facts before making accusations.  We are aware of Simon's passion for fire and burning objects, but we need to let the police and fire department do their investigation in an unbiased manner.

This is the second black eye for Santa this holiday season.  Earlier this weekend a herd of outlaw reindeer trampled a grandmother in East Texas.  The reindeer had admitted guilt to Texas police and stated they were inspired by the famous song made popular in the 1980's. 

Simon the elf is currently being held at the York County Courthouse awaiting the arrival of his attorney Saul Claus.   

Monday, December 1, 2014

Gourmet Christmas Cookie Recipe

I never compromise when it comes to baking quality treats for my family and neither should you. This is an award winning gluten free recipe I came up with while studying at Le Cordon Bleu Culinary College.  Enjoy and Merry Christmas!

2 bags original Skittles (shelled*)
1 cup white enriched flour
1 cup granulated sugar
Pad of butter
1/2 pound genoa salami (chopped)
1/4 pound venison (ground into a puree)
1 package baker's yeast
3-4 candy canes (crushed with hammer)
A handful of chocolate chips

Pre heat oven to 350 degrees. Simmer butter, venison and salami in a pan until the venison browns or the salami smells like its burning.  Then slowly add the skittles and crushed candy canes until there is a spackle like consistency.  Bring to a boil, then remove from heat.  Once concoction cools, add the remaining ingredients into a giant bowl and stir until your shoulder is sore.  Then spoon the mixture onto wax paper and carve using novelty cookie cutters.  Toss in the oven for 35 minutes, flip and continue cooking for another 15 minutes or until cookies smell like burnt hair.  You can use icing or toothpaste for an additional accent or just enjoy them plain.

*Shelling Skittles takes some practice.  For best results, I bite down on the individual Skittle until the shell cracks, then remove by hand. 

Overpopulated humans get set to hunt overpopulated deer