Thursday, October 16, 2014

Infant furious over unplanned stop at Target

Dayton, OH-  On the way home from a routine pediatrician visit, tiny Nicole Weber assumed her mother made a mistake by exiting off the highway, but quickly became outraged when she spotted the Target logo in the distance.  MPG was able to obtain a transcript of the mother/daughter dialogue.  It should be noted that Nicole has a very advanced vocabulary for her age.

Nicole:  Mom...why the hell am I looking at the Target sign right now?  

Mother: I have to pick up a prescription and a few other things.  10 minutes tops.  

Nicole: Bullshit.  I know what 10 minutes in Target is-more like 45 minutes!

Mother: Watch your mouth.

Nicole: What? It's like when dad says there are only 2 minutes left in the game.

Mother: That's enough.  Be good and you can have some Teddy Grahams. 

Nicole: Seriously mom, what is it with this place?  Do you own stock here?  I think the CEO mentioned you on their shareholders meeting last month.  Is there a Target scavenger hunt list you are trying to complete?  Oh look, there's your VIP parking space. 

Mother: Very funny little lady.  C'mon now, time to get out of your car seat.

Nicole: I'm not going in!  Get your ass back in the driver's seat and set the coordinates for home.

Mother: First off, don't talk to me like that. Secondly, this isn't a plane-you don't set coordinates. We're going in. 

Nicole: No! (straining in her voice). You smell something?

Mother: Oh no.  You didn't?

Nicole:  Yup, I played my trump card and crapped my pants.  I believes it's a full blow-out too.  New diaper, fresh clothes, bath-I'm gonna need it all!  Now buckle me up and coordinate yourself back in the driver's seat.  And could ya pass me the Teddy Grahams? I'm felling a little famished back here.   

Friday, October 3, 2014

Mexican drones stealing jobs from American drones

Jobs formerly performed by American drones such as package delivery and bombing lesser known terrorist organizations are now being done by cheaper Mexican drones according to a statistic published by the Department of Labor & Industry.

The report, which has the domestic drone community in an uproar, stated that up to 70% of lesser skilled drone missions are now completed by Mexican drones, many of whom fly into America illegally.

"It used to be that you could support your family with these jobs, but now employers are just swinging by the local Radio Shack at 6 am to pick up some illegals hanging outside the front of the building.  And you know what really pisses me off?  Most of these drones can't even speak binary code!" said an anonymous drone.

Economist Gerald Rothenberger pleas with American drones not to take out their frustration on migrant drones.  "It's not their fault.  Blame should be placed solely on the companies choosing to work with undocumented machines."

Although Rothenberger's comments are not what Americans want to hear, it's the truth.  The migrant drones are simply looking for a better life for their anchor baby drones.

Sure, there's no glamour in delivering packages for Amazon, but one day, their spawn may grow up to join an elite crew responsible for dropping massive bombs on unsuspecting Middle Easterners.  And after all, isn't that the American dream?

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

White House 90's night a huge success

Tuesday was 90's night at the White House giving President Obama and the rest of the administration a chance to blow off a little steam.  The annual event, now in it's third year, included John Boehner and 5 lesser known members of Congress dressed as the cast of Friends.  Boehner, dressed as Chandler Bing, threw around sarcastic digs all evening but the spirit of his comments were not malicious.

Late arrival, Bill Clinton, kept the mood light as he showed up wearing a rubber mask of himself and played grab ass with the wait staff.  Hillary came dressed in an Alf costume, which she referred to as hot and uncomfortable. (yes nerds, Alf ran until 1990) 

And of course Joltin' Joe Biden continued his tradition of dressing up as Jerry Seinfeld, despite looking nothing like the character with the exception of bringing date Julia Louis-Dreyfus.  To make up for the lack of physical resemblance, Biden brought his character to life by reenacting several "What's the deal with" Seinfeld bits.

The gala event ended with a planned skit where Biden was on stage doing his 5 minutes on, "What's the deal with ISIS, I mean are they ISIS or ISIL?"  Seconds later the satellite monitor showed live footage of the Syrian bombings at which point President Obama came running on the stage hiking up his suspenders and in classic Steve Urkel tone yelled, "Did I do that???"  The room went into hysterics as the evening ended on a very high note.

In more somber news, the Secret Service uncovered that Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander was the jackass who pissed all over the bathroom floor.  White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest confirmed that Alexander has been banned from future 90's night events.