Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Elf on Shelf prime arson suspect

While the fifteen year old Victorian home on Adams Ave lit up the night sky, the McCallister family held each other in disbelief while their Elf on the Shelf, Simon looked on with a silly Steve Urkel, Did I do that, look on his soulless face. 

"He looked satisfied," said a distraught Kevin McCallister.  "We are in tears and that little bastard was just sitting next to us with this's hard to describe.  It's like he had this evil sense of accomplishment."

According to reports from the family, Simon had been moving around the house since December 1st as planned, but he incorporated fire into every move.

McCallister explained, "The first morning we found him near our fireplace with a little firefighter hat standing on a book of matches.  We thought it was cute.  The following morning he was sitting in a ring of lit candles on our dining room table which really shocked us.  Things got progressively more intense, I just never thought he would go this far."

An unsealed North Pole juvenile detention report leaked to the media states that Simon served time in the past for dropping a lit sparkler into a gasoline can causing a minor explosion back in 2013.  

Numerous calls to Santa Claus were not returned, however his public relation department issued this statement:

While we are heartbroken for the McCallister family, it is important to look at all of the facts before making accusations.  We are aware of Simon's passion for fire and burning objects, but we need to let the police and fire department do their investigation in an unbiased manner.

This is the second black eye for Santa this holiday season.  Earlier this weekend a herd of outlaw reindeer trampled a grandmother in East Texas.  The reindeer had admitted guilt to Texas police and stated they were inspired by the famous song made popular in the 1980's. 

Simon the elf is currently being held at the York County Courthouse awaiting the arrival of his attorney Saul Claus.   

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Infant furious over unplanned stop at Target

Dayton, OH-  On the way home from a routine pediatrician visit, tiny Nicole Weber assumed her mother made a mistake by exiting off the highway, but quickly became outraged when she spotted the Target logo in the distance.  MPG was able to obtain a transcript of the mother/daughter dialogue.  It should be noted that Nicole has a very advanced vocabulary for her age.

Nicole:  Mom...why the hell am I looking at the Target sign right now?  

Mother: I have to pick up a prescription and a few other things.  10 minutes tops.  

Nicole: Bullshit.  I know what 10 minutes in Target is-more like 45 minutes!

Mother: Watch your mouth.

Nicole: What? It's like when dad says there are only 2 minutes left in the game.

Mother: That's enough.  Be good and you can have some Teddy Grahams. 

Nicole: Seriously mom, what is it with this place?  Do you own stock here?  I think the CEO mentioned you on their shareholders meeting last month.  Is there a Target scavenger hunt list you are trying to complete?  Oh look, there's your VIP parking space. 

Mother: Very funny little lady.  C'mon now, time to get out of your car seat.

Nicole: I'm not going in!  Get your ass back in the driver's seat and set the coordinates for home.

Mother: First off, don't talk to me like that. Secondly, this isn't a plane-you don't set coordinates. We're going in. 

Nicole: No! (straining in her voice). You smell something?

Mother: Oh no.  You didn't?

Nicole:  Yup, I played my trump card and crapped my pants.  I believes it's a full blow-out too.  New diaper, fresh clothes, bath-I'm gonna need it all!  Now buckle me up and coordinate yourself back in the driver's seat.  And could ya pass me the Teddy Grahams? I'm felling a little famished back here.