Monday, August 3, 2015

Kindergarten prodigy allowed to use regular scissors

Dundalk, MD

After three hours of debate, the school board of East Falls Elementary have agreed to allow incoming student, Cornelius Petticoat, the use of normal scissors in lieu of safety scissors, but declined his second request to run with them.

Petticoat, who speaks three languages, was pleased with the board's overall decision.  "I'm happy the board was able to see my point of view.  I stopped using safety scissors when I was 2."

The future kindergartner began his plea with faculty in May 2014 after being forced to use kid scissors throughout Pre-K 4 which he believed impacted his arts and crafts performance.

"If you go back and look at some of the projects I worked on last year, they were by far the best in the class, but well below my normal standards.  That sorry excuse for a cutting device severely impacted my ability to perform precision style cuts of which I am accustomed," said Petticoat.

For the duration of the summer, Cornelius tells MPG that he plans on second guessing his mother's parenting skills and binge watching Game of Thrones from the beginning.


Thursday, July 16, 2015

Idiot rodeo clown ends legendary bull rider's career

In the rodeo world, bull riders are like the President of the United States, while the rodeo clowns serve as their Secret Service.  The word selfish is not in their job description, but don't tell that to Chet Dunkle who panicked last week at the Lincoln Rodeo pushing future PBR hall of famer, Bubba Krell, directly into a raging bull's path in order to save himself.

Chet, who happens to be a legitimate dwarf, had disciplinary issues leading up to the incident causing some to speculate why he wasn't removed from the tour sooner.

Three weeks prior in Tulsa, Chet threw a bucket of peanuts on a child with a severe airborne nut allergy.

According to rodeo staffers, Chet pretended like he was going to throw a bucket of water on the crowd-classic clown prank.  After running around with a full bucket of water,  Chet ducked behind the fence and secretly swapped buckets.  Running full steam towards the front row he dumped a bucket of peanuts and laughed uncontrollably.  "Fooled you-dummies!" he yelled.

As you might have expected, the child had a severe reaction and nearly died had it not been for the quick reaction of his mother who managed to jab the EpiPen into her son.

Despite the traumatic situation, Chet allegedly walked back stage and said, "See.  I told you it would all work out," according to the senior rodeo clown on staff that night who declined to be identified for this article.

Two weeks prior to "The Incident" Chet had a dust up with the mayor of Cheyenne, WY.

A maintenance worker told MPG that a few of the cowboys insisted the mayor have some barbecue with them before the rodeo.  When the food came out, little Chet shoved everyone out of his way to get in line first.  Bubba Krell, who would later get impaled by Chet's horrible action, blocked him and publicly reprimanded the little fella for cutting in line.

The angry dwarf couldn't let it go.  During a break in between rides, Chet grabbed a T-Shirt gun and scurried over to where the mayor was seated, taking a sniper's stance.  Phoomp...Phoomp.  He managed to fire off 3 shirts at the mayor before the XXL shirt jammed the gun.  "How'd that barbecue taste you bastard?" his little high pitched voice screamed.

The crowd roared into a frenzy as the overwhelming majority of fans strongly disagreed with the mayor's policies.  Once again, Chet got a pass.

Lincoln, Nebraska May 18, 2014 "The Incident"

Bubba Krell lasted 7.4 seconds on the toughest bull in the pen, bringing the crowd to their feet.

After being tossed from the bull Chet halfheartedly tried to distract the bull who was moving out of control.

In order to save himself from the charging bull, Chet grabbed Bubba by the shoulder and tossed him directly into the bull's path to buy some time.  Spectators described the sound of bones crushing as unforgettable.

Once pinned to the ground, the bull speared Bubba and stomped him repeatedly.  Every available cowboy and rodeo clown ran out to help the suffering man while Chet ran in the opposite direction to save himself.

After a few minutes the bull was under control, but Bubba was in bad shape.  All in, he had 4 broken ribs, a punctured lung, crushed left testicle and fractured femur.  He'll never ride a bull again in his life.

Chet cut his finger while hopping over the fence and demanded that he share the ambulance with Bubba as he too needed medical attention.  "My finger! My finger!" he yelled as he jumped ahead of battered cowboy's gurney into the ambulance.

When asked if he was remorseful about "The Incident" the pint sized rodeo worker gave this statement to reporters:

When I was first hired by Extreme Rodeo, I was told that I would have to keep on my toes.  Not just because I am a dwarf, but because the inside of a bull ring can be a very dangerous place.  I have decided to put my rodeo clown career on hold while I sort some things out and rehab my finger.  I would like to thank all of my fans for their support.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Elf on Shelf prime arson suspect

While the fifteen year old Victorian home on Adams Ave lit up the night sky, the McCallister family held each other in disbelief while their Elf on the Shelf, Simon looked on with a silly Steve Urkel, Did I do that, look on his soulless face. 

"He looked satisfied," said a distraught Kevin McCallister.  "We are in tears and that little bastard was just sitting next to us with this's hard to describe.  It's like he had this evil sense of accomplishment."

According to reports from the family, Simon had been moving around the house since December 1st as planned, but he incorporated fire into every move.

McCallister explained, "The first morning we found him near our fireplace with a little firefighter hat standing on a book of matches.  We thought it was cute.  The following morning he was sitting in a ring of lit candles on our dining room table which really shocked us.  Things got progressively more intense, I just never thought he would go this far."

An unsealed North Pole juvenile detention report leaked to the media states that Simon served time in the past for dropping a lit sparkler into a gasoline can causing a minor explosion back in 2013.  

Numerous calls to Santa Claus were not returned, however his public relation department issued this statement:

While we are heartbroken for the McCallister family, it is important to look at all of the facts before making accusations.  We are aware of Simon's passion for fire and burning objects, but we need to let the police and fire department do their investigation in an unbiased manner.

This is the second black eye for Santa this holiday season.  Earlier this weekend a herd of outlaw reindeer trampled a grandmother in East Texas.  The reindeer had admitted guilt to Texas police and stated they were inspired by the famous song made popular in the 1980's. 

Simon the elf is currently being held at the York County Courthouse awaiting the arrival of his attorney Saul Claus.