Wednesday, August 20, 2014

FDA approves human hibernation drug

A 2010 government study found that 63% of Americans would be extremely interested in hibernating for up to 5 months if given the opportunity.  Thanks to the FDA's recent approval of the drug Lazy Bones, their wishes may soon be granted.  

Colorado based Christie Pharmaceuticals, which owns the patent to Lazy Bones, has been researching human hibernation since the 60's and thought it was a lost cause until President Obama's inspirational 2009 speech where he told the media, "I wish at least half of this country would hibernate to give me time to figure all this shit out."

The Obama administration introduced the "Take it Easy" initiative Wednesday and will seek approval from Congress for funding this $2.3 billion plan when they come back from recess in September.

"Take it Easy" is aimed at unemployed hipsters, illegal immigrants, prison inmates, insomniacs and employed people who simply need a break.  The administration estimates that a whopping 185 million lethargic Americans will volunteer to hibernate for a minimum of 5 months.

"The ultimate plan is to curb unemployment, solve the immigration crisis and reduce greenhouse gases immediately," said White House staffer Andrew Valadakis.  "If two thirds of the population is at rest, then unemployment goes away, traffic drops, we can start to restock natural resources and get this country back to it's glory days.  Our hope is that human hibernation will spread worldwide."

So how does all this work?

Similar to a bear, the volunteers will begin a gorging process in the fall until their BMI gets into a healthy morbidly obese range.  The day after the Super Bowl, the volunteers will take a generous dose of Lazy Bones.  The patented super drug will drastically reduce the patients metabolic state.  The body will then rely on stored body fat reserves for energy and water.  In addition, the drug will allow humans to recycle their proteins and urine so volunteers don't piss themselves and have severe muscle atrophy come July.

Per the terms of the "Take it Easy" plan, volunteers will not be responsible for monthly payments and obligations while hibernating.  Ideally, a fresh crop of volunteers will emerge in mid-July to replace jobs and keep the cycle going.  

"It's basically like pausing your life for 5 months and waking up with a normal weight.  We call it the lazy man's Biggest Loser, " said Valadakis.  "I would strongly encourage people to sign up early to take advantage of this historic event."      

To sign up for this program, the administration is asking volunteers to use #AmericaHibernates to indicate their interest.


Sunday, August 3, 2014

Kindergarten prodigy allowed to use regular scissors

Dundalk, MD

After three hours of debate, the school board of East Falls Elementary have agreed to allow incoming student, Cornelius Petticoat, the use of normal scissors in lieu of safety scissors, but declined his second request to run with them.

Petticoat, who speaks three languages, was pleased with the board's overall decision.  "I'm happy the board was able to see my point of view.  I stopped using safety scissors when I was 2."

The future kindergartner began his plea with faculty in May 2014 after being forced to use kid scissors throughout Pre-K 4 which he believed impacted his arts and crafts performance.

"If you go back and look at some of the projects I worked on last year, they were by far the best in the class, but well below my normal standards.  That sorry excuse for a cutting device severely impacted my ability to perform precision style cuts of which I am accustomed," said Petticoat.

For the duration of the summer, Cornelius tells MPG that he plans on second guessing his mother's parenting skills and binge watching Game of Thrones from the beginning.


Friday, July 18, 2014

Car dealer diagnosed as legitimately CRAZY (technically mentally ill)

For the better part of the summer Max English, owner of New Milford Used Cars, has been slashing prices on his used car inventory to levels many in the business consider crazy.

Turns out they were right.

"Max sold a used 2010 Camry for $5 contingent upon him being allowed to punch a customer in the face," says sales manager Tom Weiskopf.  According to Weiskopf, the customized deal stipulated Premathenan Kumar get knocked around like a defenseless sparring partner for nine minutes to receive the discount.

Kumar, who suffered a broken nose and a nasty black eye was more than happy to trade the punches for what he considered to be the discount of a lifetime.

English wasted the dealerships entire 3rd and 4th quarter marketing budget to advertise his very own "Free Kicks in the Ass" promotion.  Turn out was poor, but English made good on his promise by kicking every potential customer in the ass as they walked in the dealership.

LaKesha Wilkinson recalls her customer experience. "I walked in to look at a used Maxima and this crazy fool comes up out of nowhere and kicks me in the ass.  I lost my mind, busting him upside the head with my pursue.  It's cool though, Mr. English hooked me up with a sweet Maxima for $500, so long as I promise to vouch as his black friend."

Quid pro quo deals were quite common for English over the past two months.  According to sources close to the situation, Max offered to give away a Chevy Cargo van to a portly customer under one bizarre condition.  The man, who refused to be identified said, "English wanted me to lay down in the parking lot with a make shift ramp on my chest so he could try to jump over a Kia Optima with the van.  I have a family.  Even though the payoff would have been great, I can't afford a collapsed lung with my insurance."

Weiskopf informed English's wife about his unpredictable behavior.  After tricking him into thinking he was going to get ice cream, Kathryn English loaded Max into their SUV to visit their physician who ran some tests and found out that Max had rabies which had driven him medically insane.

All insane offers were final, however New Milford Used Cars does not plan on running any "unique" promotions in the future.

Mr. English is currently recovering in a mental health facility in Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania where he told MPG news that his prices just went from crazy to INSANE!