Thursday, December 12, 2013

Piece of shit snow blower fails when needed most

Scranton, PA.

Local man Guy Bellefonte will be on the heating pad for the remainder of the day as his piece of monkey shit snow blower decided to throw up the French flag as he battled the aftermath of the Hercules storm.

After wrestling with the primer pump and yanking on the starter, the beast finally awoke from its one year slumber making loud unnatural noises and vomiting blue exhaust  directly into Bellefonte's lungs; taking approximately 1-2 years off of his life.

Bellefonte, determined to make it work, covered his face with a scarf to filter out the smoke, then engaged the blades.  The glimmer of hope faded fast as the machine pushed out snow like toothpaste.   Although the snow was light, it easily overmatched the lazy machine; jamming it shut.

Channeling Jimmy Valvano's message of "Don't give up, don't ever give up," Bellefonte turned off the machine and as recommended by the owners manual-grabbed a rusty screwdriver and violently broke up the packed snow.  The dangerous blue smoke lit up the morning sky once more as he engaged the blades.  On this run the stubborn-dirty-rat bastard-snow blower dribbled out less and jammed even quicker this time.

"Well...that should just about wrap things up," Bellefonte said sarcastically before firing off a tirade of profanity laced screams causing neighbors to take a peek out their windows at the debacle.  A pair of sunglasses and a recycling bin paid the ultimate price in the process bringing the casualty total to three.

Accepting defeat, he reluctantly grabbed a snow shovel to help his wife (who had just about finished shoveling at this point) as the snow thrower looked on mockingly.    

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Insufferable fantasy football nerd ruins game day party

Athens, GA:  Co-worker/fantasy football extremist, Rolland Dupree, managed to spoil a Sunday of food, fun and football with non stop updates about his fantasy players and chest pounding as the opponent's running back broke the 100 yard barrier.

Phrases such as, that's my boy; why didn't I draft him?; and I hate this vulture back! spewed from his mouth like toxic waste.

Party host, Steve Riley was visibly upset.  "I threw him a pity invite late Friday at work, which I now realize was one of the greatest mistakes of my adult life."

During commercial breaks Dupree kicked things up with phone calls to fellow fantasy nerds resulting in shouting matches over who was who's bitch that particular week.

The final straw came in the 4th quarter when Dupree was involved in a heated phone conversation regarding some last minute trade for Sunday night's game and managed to drop his pulled pork sandwich onto the carpet.

Unable to hold back any longer, Riley yelled out a few German commands while pointing at Dupree.  In a matter of two seconds Riley's 5 year old German Shepherd, Rudy, had Dupree pinned to the ground by his neck.  "Guess you're on the disabled list-BITCH," Riley shouted as his guest pleaded for him to call off his dog.    

"I'm not proud of what I did, but given the situation, I felt my actions were appropriate," Riley told police.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Mystery stain spoils couch deal at garage sale

Brenda Edwards was seconds away from handing over $45 for a used couch when her 4 year old son  playfully flipped over a cushion revealing a mystery stain which the owners refused to explain.

"I was definitely concerned when I saw this nasty stain," said Edwards.  "The owners were telling me it was just a water stain but that was bullshit."

MPG had an opportunity to speak with the owner of the couch, Vishal Patel.  When asked if the stain was either pet or human urine, Patel dodged the question and barked that the price is very fair and the item is perfectly fine.  He then offered to knock off an additional $5 which only made Edwards more skeptical.

This double talk from Patel got other bargain hunters nervous about the sanitary conditions of other items including glassware, pitchers and bean bags which all seemed priced well below market value.  With disappearing customers, the Patels plan on donating the majority of the items to Purple Heart, if they will accept them.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

5 Groundhog Day facts you didn't know about Punxsutawney Phil

Happy Groundhog Day 2014
We've all thought about stealing Punxsutawney Phil and keeping him as a pet-but think before you act.  Groundhogs are demanding animals and quite honestly belong in the wild,  I trapped one to keep as a pet and the little bastard has cost me thousands.  If you must steal Phil, be prepared for the 5 things you didn't know about the whistle pig. 

1. Hibernation. My groundhog hibernates in my basement all winter long. This may sound like a good thing, but when he wakes up in the spring, it's a different story. Each year, right around March Madness, he waddles up from my basement. He's hungry, horny and ornery.  Picture an angry rottweiler trying to hump your leg all day-staring through you with those cold dark eyes.  It's creepy.

2. Digging. These animals absolutely LOVE to dig. I need to replace the carpeting in my townhouse twice a year. Last July he dug through the dry wall and wedged himself in between the walls. I had to call a contractor to help me remove him AND he bit me during the process. I had to get a rabies shot.

3. Veterinarian Care. Not many vets will even agree to see a "pet" groundhog, let alone have experience in dealing with one. I only brought my little guy to the vet once and it was not a pleasant experience. The vet told me I shouldn't try to domesticate a wild animal.  She was going to call animal control so I smashed a jar of dog treats to distract her so Buford (that's his name) and I could escape.  

4. Not good with kids. When I first trapped Buford, I tried to get him comfortable around children. I assume he perceives children as threats, which is why he started snarling so viciously. I settled out of court with the kid's family, but for safety measures, I now put him on a leash when we go out and tie a piece of string around his snout so he can't snap.

5. Special dietary needs. The pet stores don't carry groundhog food, so I just feed him table scraps which may be why he weighs about 45 pounds and is very lethargic. His favorite snack is Bugles and I sometimes let him eat taffy and pretend he is trying to talk.  I guess it's not all bad, but be warned.

Happy Groundhog Day idiots!