Thursday, December 12, 2013

Piece of shit snow blower fails when needed most

Scranton, PA.

Local man Guy Bellefonte will be on the heating pad for the remainder of the day as his piece of monkey shit snow blower decided to throw up the French flag as he battled the aftermath of the Hercules storm.

After wrestling with the primer pump and yanking on the starter, the beast finally awoke from its one year slumber making loud unnatural noises and vomiting blue exhaust  directly into Bellefonte's lungs; taking approximately 1-2 years off of his life.

Bellefonte, determined to make it work, covered his face with a scarf to filter out the smoke, then engaged the blades.  The glimmer of hope faded fast as the machine pushed out snow like toothpaste.   Although the snow was light, it easily overmatched the lazy machine; jamming it shut.

Channeling Jimmy Valvano's message of "Don't give up, don't ever give up," Bellefonte turned off the machine and as recommended by the owners manual-grabbed a rusty screwdriver and violently broke up the packed snow.  The dangerous blue smoke lit up the morning sky once more as he engaged the blades.  On this run the stubborn-dirty-rat bastard-snow blower dribbled out less and jammed even quicker this time.

"Well...that should just about wrap things up," Bellefonte said sarcastically before firing off a tirade of profanity laced screams causing neighbors to take a peek out their windows at the debacle.  A pair of sunglasses and a recycling bin paid the ultimate price in the process bringing the casualty total to three.

Accepting defeat, he reluctantly grabbed a snow shovel to help his wife (who had just about finished shoveling at this point) as the snow thrower looked on mockingly.    

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