Thursday, December 3, 2015

Elf on Shelf prime arson suspect

While the fifteen year old Victorian home on Adams Ave lit up the night sky, the McCallister family held each other in disbelief while their Elf on the Shelf, Simon looked on with a silly Steve Urkel, Did I do that, look on his soulless face. 

"He looked satisfied," said a distraught Kevin McCallister.  "We are in tears and that little bastard was just sitting next to us with this's hard to describe.  It's like he had this evil sense of accomplishment."

According to reports from the family, Simon had been moving around the house since December 1st as planned, but he incorporated fire into every move.

McCallister explained, "The first morning we found him near our fireplace with a little firefighter hat standing on a book of matches.  We thought it was cute.  The following morning he was sitting in a ring of lit candles on our dining room table which really shocked us.  Things got progressively more intense, I just never thought he would go this far."

An unsealed North Pole juvenile detention report leaked to the media states that Simon served time in the past for dropping a lit sparkler into a gasoline can causing a minor explosion back in 2013.  

Numerous calls to Santa Claus were not returned, however his public relation department issued this statement:

While we are heartbroken for the McCallister family, it is important to look at all of the facts before making accusations.  We are aware of Simon's passion for fire and burning objects, but we need to let the police and fire department do their investigation in an unbiased manner.

This is the second black eye for Santa this holiday season.  Earlier this weekend a herd of outlaw reindeer trampled a grandmother in East Texas.  The reindeer had admitted guilt to Texas police and stated they were inspired by the famous song made popular in the 1980's. 

Simon the elf is currently being held at the York County Courthouse awaiting the arrival of his attorney Saul Claus.   

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Kindergarten prodigy allowed to use regular scissors

Dundalk, MD

After three hours of debate, the school board of East Falls Elementary have agreed to allow incoming student, Cornelius Petticoat, the use of normal scissors in lieu of safety scissors, but declined his second request to run with them.

Petticoat, who speaks three languages, was pleased with the board's overall decision.  "I'm happy the board was able to see my point of view.  I stopped using safety scissors when I was 2."

The future kindergartner began his plea with faculty in May 2014 after being forced to use kid scissors throughout Pre-K 4 which he believed impacted his arts and crafts performance.

"If you go back and look at some of the projects I worked on last year, they were by far the best in the class, but well below my normal standards.  That sorry excuse for a cutting device severely impacted my ability to perform precision style cuts of which I am accustomed," said Petticoat.

For the duration of the summer, Cornelius tells MPG that he plans on second guessing his mother's parenting skills and binge watching Game of Thrones from the beginning.