Monday, September 26, 2011

Romney Backs Up Toilet in Florida Diner

The owners of the Millville Diner were forced to bring in a professional to snake a toilet after Mitt Romney allegedly dropped a presidential-like dump.  The candidate has denied this incident claiming he only urinated at the diner. Others, however, disagree with that claim.

"He seemed very uncomfortable when he was speaking to us and was sweating like a pig.  All of a sudden he stopped mid sentence and made a quick dash to the bathroom.  There's no doubt in my mind he backed up that toilet.  I can't vote for a man who would leave such a mess," said local mechanic Darryl "Scoop" Watkins.

Romney's camp released a statement announcing that although the governor does not apologize for his high fiber diet, he did admit to accidentally farting on his way to the restroom.  Romney insists his business inside was strictly urinary and would like to formally apologize to those in attendance whom he may have crop dusted on his walk to the dirty restroom.

"While I deny making a dootie at the Millville Diner, I would like to point out that whoever did this was actually a job creator.  Had the pot roast not sickened me, I mean whoever got sick, then there would be no need for the plumber.  This is a fine example of how Romney in office will create jobs.  I may take a big shit first and back things up, but someone will eventually be hired to clean up my mess."

Romney Ryan 2012

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Siamese Twins Split on Presidential Election

Sammy and Tammy Rose can agree on close to everything. With the exception of which candidate to support in November.  Tammy, who voted for Obama in 2008 does not feel like the country has improved and believes that the economy has a better chance of improving under the guise of Romney.  Sammy has some reservations about Romney's past and is a firm believer in gay marriage and supports a woman's right to choose.

Should the twins not be able to come to a unanimous decision, their vote will be awarded to whichever twin can think faster sending a signal from their brain to the hand which will check the appropriate box.

The Rose girl's parents are confident that Obama will bring back some of that charm and woo back Tammy to avoid an embarrassing scene come election.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Extreme Resume Makeover: Get Noticed, Get Hired!

If you're tired of being ignored by pompous hiring managers and scum bag HR Directors, then I have the solution for you.  Introducing the resume template to end all resume templates.  This format will move your resume from the trash can, to the top of the list.  

Why Guy?

It's simple.  I found out a secret that fancy resume services won't tell you:


Forgot those cheesy lines such as: self-motivated, dedicated, responsible, drug-free, goal-oriented, blah, blah, blah.

These lines put HR Directors to sleep and make you AND your resume look like one big jackass.  

Lighten up and start being real for a change.  Feel free to rip off this template as it may be the best resume of the new year:

Profile Looking for a management opportunity where I can let loose, be raw and share my brutal honesty with clients and employees.  I’m an emotional guy who’s not afraid to step on a few toes in order to complete a project.  I will bring the heat every day for the right company and compensation.  You got the plums to hire me?  
Experience Manager of Intensity
Extreme Energy Drink Products 2005-2010
I managed to kick up our company’s intensity level by 30% over a 5 year period.  When I first got to this company, intensity was at an all time low.  I was able to fire up the staff with my DARE TO BE INTENSE party, which consisted of encouraging employees to scream the company mission statement and sign a form promising to lay down their lives for the betterment of the company.  I would also call employees several times a day to ask them to rank their intensity level on a scale of 1 to 10.  After several months of badgering, they all admitted that their intensity levels had risen dramatically.  My exit from this company was swift and well documented in the local news.  
Rodeo clown
Extreme Rodeo  2003-2005
I decided to follow my life long dream of joining the rodeo as a rodeo clown.  I was named to the Rough Rider Team in 2004.  A bull speared me in early 2005 ending my career.  More detail can be found here:  
VP of North American sales
A Fortune 500 company 1994-2002
Increased domestic sales by like 43% for around a $17mm increase in revenue.  I was on the company fast track until I was sidelined with a mental breakdown, which senior management called “Unprecedented”
Education College and some grad school

Hobbies Gun enthusiast, so you know I don’t take any crap.  I increased my gambling earnings by 20% in 2010, so you know I’m good with money.  I also have a pet groundhog. so you know I’m EXTREME!
Awards Most Improved Bowler-2007 Mixed Couples League
                           Coached 2010 T-Ball team to an undefeated season earning a Participation Medal
Referrals Let’s not talk about the past.  DO NOT CONTACT MY PREVIOUS EMPLOYERS!
Only contact me through my twitter account, #guybellefonte