Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Extreme Resume Makeover: Get Noticed, Get Hired!

If you're tired of being ignored by pompous hiring managers and scum bag HR Directors, then I have the solution for you.  Introducing the resume template to end all resume templates.  This format will move your resume from the trash can, to the top of the list.  

Why Guy?

It's simple.  I found out a secret that fancy resume services won't tell you:


Forgot those cheesy lines such as: self-motivated, dedicated, responsible, drug-free, goal-oriented, blah, blah, blah.

These lines put HR Directors to sleep and make you AND your resume look like one big jackass.  

Lighten up and start being real for a change.  Feel free to rip off this template as it may be the best resume of the new year:

Profile Looking for a management opportunity where I can let loose, be raw and share my brutal honesty with clients and employees.  I’m an emotional guy who’s not afraid to step on a few toes in order to complete a project.  I will bring the heat every day for the right company and compensation.  You got the plums to hire me?  
Experience Manager of Intensity
Extreme Energy Drink Products 2005-2010
I managed to kick up our company’s intensity level by 30% over a 5 year period.  When I first got to this company, intensity was at an all time low.  I was able to fire up the staff with my DARE TO BE INTENSE party, which consisted of encouraging employees to scream the company mission statement and sign a form promising to lay down their lives for the betterment of the company.  I would also call employees several times a day to ask them to rank their intensity level on a scale of 1 to 10.  After several months of badgering, they all admitted that their intensity levels had risen dramatically.  My exit from this company was swift and well documented in the local news.  
Rodeo clown
Extreme Rodeo  2003-2005
I decided to follow my life long dream of joining the rodeo as a rodeo clown.  I was named to the Rough Rider Team in 2004.  A bull speared me in early 2005 ending my career.  More detail can be found here: http://www.squidoo.com/rodeoclownlife  
VP of North American sales
A Fortune 500 company 1994-2002
Increased domestic sales by like 43% for around a $17mm increase in revenue.  I was on the company fast track until I was sidelined with a mental breakdown, which senior management called “Unprecedented”
Education College and some grad school

Hobbies Gun enthusiast, so you know I don’t take any crap.  I increased my gambling earnings by 20% in 2010, so you know I’m good with money.  I also have a pet groundhog.  http://www.squidoo.com/groundhogpet so you know I’m EXTREME!
Awards Most Improved Bowler-2007 Mixed Couples League
                           Coached 2010 T-Ball team to an undefeated season earning a Participation Medal
Referrals Let’s not talk about the past.  DO NOT CONTACT MY PREVIOUS EMPLOYERS!
Only contact me through my twitter account, #guybellefonte

1 comment:

Lord Andrew of Goulding said...

I like your free-form approach to fonts - it would make interesting reading.

+ new lens.