Thursday, December 3, 2015

Elf on Shelf prime arson suspect

While the fifteen year old Victorian home on Adams Ave lit up the night sky, the McCallister family held each other in disbelief while their Elf on the Shelf, Simon looked on with a silly Steve Urkel, Did I do that, look on his soulless face. 

"He looked satisfied," said a distraught Kevin McCallister.  "We are in tears and that little bastard was just sitting next to us with this's hard to describe.  It's like he had this evil sense of accomplishment."

According to reports from the family, Simon had been moving around the house since December 1st as planned, but he incorporated fire into every move.

McCallister explained, "The first morning we found him near our fireplace with a little firefighter hat standing on a book of matches.  We thought it was cute.  The following morning he was sitting in a ring of lit candles on our dining room table which really shocked us.  Things got progressively more intense, I just never thought he would go this far."

An unsealed North Pole juvenile detention report leaked to the media states that Simon served time in the past for dropping a lit sparkler into a gasoline can causing a minor explosion back in 2013.  

Numerous calls to Santa Claus were not returned, however his public relation department issued this statement:

While we are heartbroken for the McCallister family, it is important to look at all of the facts before making accusations.  We are aware of Simon's passion for fire and burning objects, but we need to let the police and fire department do their investigation in an unbiased manner.

This is the second black eye for Santa this holiday season.  Earlier this weekend a herd of outlaw reindeer trampled a grandmother in East Texas.  The reindeer had admitted guilt to Texas police and stated they were inspired by the famous song made popular in the 1980's. 

Simon the elf is currently being held at the York County Courthouse awaiting the arrival of his attorney Saul Claus.   

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Kindergarten prodigy allowed to use regular scissors

Dundalk, MD

After three hours of debate, the school board of East Falls Elementary have agreed to allow incoming student, Cornelius Petticoat, the use of normal scissors in lieu of safety scissors, but declined his second request to run with them.

Petticoat, who speaks three languages, was pleased with the board's overall decision.  "I'm happy the board was able to see my point of view.  I stopped using safety scissors when I was 2."

The future kindergartner began his plea with faculty in May 2014 after being forced to use kid scissors throughout Pre-K 4 which he believed impacted his arts and crafts performance.

"If you go back and look at some of the projects I worked on last year, they were by far the best in the class, but well below my normal standards.  That sorry excuse for a cutting device severely impacted my ability to perform precision style cuts of which I am accustomed," said Petticoat.

For the duration of the summer, Cornelius tells MPG that he plans on second guessing his mother's parenting skills and binge watching Game of Thrones from the beginning.


Monday, November 30, 2015

Car dealer diagnosed as legitimately CRAZY (technically mentally ill)

For the better part of the summer Max English, owner of New Milford Used Cars, has been slashing prices on his used car inventory to levels many in the business consider crazy.

Turns out they were right.

"Max sold a used 2010 Camry for $5 contingent upon him being allowed to punch a customer in the face," says sales manager Tom Weiskopf.  According to Weiskopf, the customized deal stipulated Premathenan Kumar get knocked around like a defenseless sparring partner for nine minutes to receive the discount.

Kumar, who suffered a broken nose and a nasty black eye was more than happy to trade the punches for what he considered to be the discount of a lifetime.

English wasted the dealerships entire 3rd and 4th quarter marketing budget to advertise his very own "Free Kicks in the Ass" promotion.  Turn out was poor, but English made good on his promise by kicking every potential customer in the ass as they walked in the dealership.

Deandra Wilkinson recalls her customer experience. "I walked in to look at a used Maxima and this crazy fool comes up out of nowhere and kicks me square in the ass.  I lost my mind and started busting him upside the head with my shoe.  It all worked out though.  Mr. English hooked me up with a sweet Maxima for $500, so long as I promise to vouch as his black friend."

Quid pro quo deals were quite common for English over the past two months.  According to sources close to the situation, Max offered to give away a Chevy Cargo van to a customer under one condition.  The man, who refused to be identified said, "English wanted me to lay down in the parking lot with a make-shift ramp on my chest so he could try to jump over a Kia Optima with the van.  I have a family and my dignity.  Even though the payoff would have been great, I can't afford a collapsed lung with my insurance."

Weiskopf informed English's wife about his unpredictable behavior.  After tricking him into thinking he was going to get ice cream, Kathryn English loaded Max into their SUV to visit their physician who ran some tests and found out that Max had rabies which had driven him medically insane.

All insane offers were final, however New Milford Used Cars does not plan on running any "unique" promotions in the future.

Mr. English is currently recovering in a mental health facility in Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania where he told MPG news that his prices just went from crazy to INSANE!


Sunday, October 25, 2015

New kid in school distancing himself from friendly nerds

Ian Baker turned down a Halloween party and decided to go trick-or-treating as a final goodbye to the nerdy kids who were so nice to him during his first semester at Daniel Boone Middle School.  The gang knew the time would come and milked it for everything it was worth, going door to door until 9pm Wednesday night.

Joshua Lebenson, who is described as the realist of the geek squad stated, "The first time I saw Ian throw a football, I knew we were on borrowed time.  When he asked insanely basic questions about Harry Potter, it became obvious that he would be graduating to the cool table by Thanksgiving.  We hope our friendly ways will be remembered during wedgie season."

Baker said he is grateful that his pals showed him the ropes until he was able to settle in with kids in his same social class.


Friday, October 2, 2015

Crying babies added to no fly list

The FAA released great news for travelers. Beginning this Wednesday, crying babies or children that appear irritable will no longer be allowed to board domestic flights.
"We have counseled with Homeland Security and in an effort to accommodate the crew and our passenger's sanity, your screaming toddler will be held back with the TSA if he or she is showing any signs of crankiness," FAA Chief, Randy Babbitt told reporters. Later adding, "should the parents wish to leave their child behind, the airlines have agreed to pay cab fare to a local foster home until the parents return."
Regular business traveler Jim Schmoyer said, "This is going to be great! It's bad enough flying coach, let alone sitting next to a crying baby. It's about time someone stood up for the grown ups."
The TSA's litmus test will be a bulletin board of humorous and cute items which they will show the child.  Should the child laugh or at least show signs of apathy, they will be allowed to board.  Any scowl, brow furrowing, or crying will result in a missed flight.