Friday, October 3, 2014

Mexican drones stealing jobs from American drones

Jobs formerly performed by American drones such as package delivery and bombing lesser known terrorist organizations are now being done by cheaper Mexican drones according to a statistic published by the Department of Labor & Industry.

The report, which has the domestic drone community in an uproar, stated that up to 70% of lesser skilled drone missions are now completed by Mexican drones, many of whom fly into America illegally.

"It used to be that you could support your family with these jobs, but now employers are just swinging by the local Radio Shack at 6 am to pick up some illegals hanging outside the front of the building.  And you know what really pisses me off?  Most of these drones can't even speak binary code!" said an anonymous drone.

Economist Gerald Rothenberger pleas with American drones not to take out their frustration on migrant drones.  "It's not their fault.  Blame should be placed solely on the companies choosing to work with undocumented machines."

Although Rothenberger's comments are not what Americans want to hear, it's the truth.  The migrant drones are simply looking for a better life for their anchor baby drones.

Sure, there's no glamour in delivering packages for Amazon, but one day, their spawn may grow up to join an elite crew responsible for dropping massive bombs on unsuspecting Middle Easterners.  And after all, isn't that the American dream?

Sunday, September 21, 2014

ISIS recruiting convention fails to bring in top talent

Jimbo Hussein was abruptly fired from his position as Senior Vice President of Recruitment & Human Resources of ISIS early Sunday morning after 542 dorky white people showed up to their annual Lunch & Learn recruitment summit dressed in super hero costumes.

"I was tasked with finding the best and brightest in the business and I obviously failed.  I accept my beheading punishment and take full responsibility for this flop," said Hussein.

In other news, a local GameStop near the recruitment summit location was flash mobbed later in the afternoon.  

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Science teacher hoping new mustache will gain him respect with incoming 5th grade class

New Brunswick, NJ-  Local science teacher Ronald Harley's new look is not merely a fashion statement, but an attempt to get more respect this school year from a fresh set of pupils.

"Last year was a disaster," admitted Harley.  "This wise ass kid, Alex Darby, asks me, how far is Uranus from the moon?"

"For the first time in my teaching career, I thought I actually connected with a student and was really making a difference in this young man's life.  Maybe he would mention me as his inspiration years from now at some awards ceremony -who knows?  But as I scurried to look up the distance, I could here some snickering which grew louder by the second.  That's when I realized he was just busting my balls.  I lost all respect from my class for the remainder of the school year."

The mustache, which has been a work in progress since late June, should give Harley the instant respect that a young Tom Selleck would merit.  But good looks from his crisp new mustache will only get him so far.  Harley wisely chose to gather as much intel about the upcoming class as possible.  

"I actively reached out to some of the 4th grade teachers to see if I had any comedians coming into my class.  One name popped up repeatedly;  Ryder Hickory.  I already have it planned out that if Ryder gives me trouble, I'm gonna say: Keep it up Ryder and I'll be ridin' my foot up your ass!" Harley giggled.

"If anybody else acts up, I'm gonna smash this old solar system model on the floor to let them know I'm in charge.  I'll probably add something like-that's why you don't F with me!  Harley didn't want to get painted into a corner with that particular outburst as he feels the raw adrenaline will take over in that hypothetical situation.

MPG was able to contact Ryder Hickory who stated that he has a game plan of his own.  "On the first day of school, I'm going to raise my hand and say: Mr. Harley, I mustache you a question.  If he says what, I'm going to say, "How far is Uranus from your mustache."


Friday, August 29, 2014

Weirdest advertisement for a daycare EVER

So I need to put my kids in daycare, but I want the experience to be a Vegas style, no holds barred type environment where something reckless can happen at any moment -any suggestions?

Seriously, what the hell is with this sign?

"Um, Mrs. Smith, I'd like to tell you why your son has a giant bruise on his leg, but you know that slogan-what happens in daycare stays in daycare."

To be fair, this might have been a doggie day care which in some ways makes this even weirder.  What the hell are you doing with these dogs during the day?  Are you trying to breed the next Labradoodle? Maybe organizing some dog fighting ring?

"Ok, we'll bring Scout up in a second.  You may notice he has a bunch of scratches and some hair missing, but you'll be glad to know he earned $300 today.  I'd love to fill you in on the details know."

Another reason I am fascinated with this sign is the unnecessary follow up, Just Like Vegas!  Like the person who ran this daycare saw it initially and said, "Maybe that's too vague, we have some room left, so let's play it safe."

Maybe this is a Nathan For You prank-who knows?

Was there a marketing meeting that went something like this:

"I want our new clients to feel like they are taking a gamble by leaving us in charge, but also want to add a weird element.  Kind of like that Vegas commercial."

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Blind Locksmith Beats the Odds

Kenneth Jacobs still remembers hearing laughter as he walked out of  Heritage Bank after being denied a loan for his locksmith business 6 years ago.

Thanks to a lot of hard work and private funding through friends and family, Blind Faith Locksmith, a shop run entirely by the blind, is busier than ever .

"I've been told that there are dozens of locksmiths in the yellow pages, but nobody puts on a show quite like my company," Jacobs said.  "I can sense that my first time customers are nervous when they see their locksmith hopping off a bus with a seeing eye dog and walking stick-but they love our service.  The competition can't compete with our smile and charm."

On average Jacobs and his team takes two hours longer than the competition, but the clients love rooting for him as he fumbles around.  Some have even locked themselves out on purpose so they can   watch the show again and again.

So the next time you need a locksmith, you should consider giving Blind Faith a call.  They may just unlock the key to your heart.


Monday, March 31, 2014

Soccer mom shirks snack parent duty

As the Lil' Raiders from Smithfield ran to the sideline for half time, they were outraged by what they didn't see.  Carol Wentz, mother of Branden, suddenly remembered this was her week to provide the snacks.  The team's only choice for hydration was to drink from the communal water fountain located at least 50 feet from the sideline.

5 year old phenom and team captain Donny Phillips, said he was really looking forward to something like a Capri Sun and possibly assorted fruit.  Adding, "It really sucks that Branden's mom is a flake.  Without a snack, I'm just not the same player.  Is it so friggin hard to toss in a reminder to your Outlook calendar?  We're parched out here."

Tired of receiving nasty looks from the other parents, Wentz went to her car and scavenged whatever she could find in a last minute attempt to make things right.  This desperate act only added fuel to the fire.

"She forgot the snacks and then tries to divide up an old box of Raisanettes to recover?  This just made the kids thirstier.  If it was me, I would have rushed to the grocery store for some gluten free team approved snacks and gotten back to the game before it ended.  Carol just stood on the sideline cheering on her son like everything was fine.  Never in a million years would I have forgotten," said stay at home mom Donna Westphal.  

Wentz was reached later by phone and did get a chance to defend her actions.  "I had a really long week and have been under a lot of stress."  The pressure obviously got to Carol as she threw out sarcastic digs,  "I am so sorry that the kids didn't get their juice box at 8:30 in the morning.  What a joke.  Next time I'll show up with a jar of peanuts to really piss everyone off.  Oh I'm sorry Coach Tom, are peanuts not on the approved snack list?  Screw everyone."

Coach Tom sent out a passive aggressive e-mail to the parents reminding them of the snack schedule and asking the parents to make a note of their date.  Although sent to the entire group, everyone knew who it was directed towards.

The drama continues next week as the Lil' Raiders continue their season with many questions still unanswered.  Will divorced parents Kim and Michael acknowledge one another?  Will Kim bring her boyfriend?  Will Branden's mother scream like a lunatic whenever he comes within fifteen feet of the ball?  Will Dylan wet himself again?  Stay tuned.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Should coaches be allowed to hit players?

All coaches would agree that there is a fine line between disciplining a player and an assault charge.  Some experts argue that crossing that line is a perfectly healthy part of a player's development.  
"I see nothing wrong with a coach throwing a kidney punch in certain situations," said sport psychologist Anthony Blumer.  "To the athlete, it's just a game.  But to the coach it's a livelihood.   If a game plan is ruined because of a mental error, physical punishment is totally acceptable."

Blumer is not alone.  A lacrosse coach, who asked not to be identified, said that athletes are subject to vicious hits on the field and doesn't see a problem with a firm slap to the face or boot in the ass when player's miss an assignment or lose focus.

Old school basketball legend Skip Conner used to slap his basketball players in the face Three Stooges style in the huddle.  He would always start with the captain and continue the slap until he completed the circle. As a result, his team won multiple championships and committed zero mental errors.

Hitting players builds character and wins ball games.  But it won't come back without your support.  Please pass this article along to other coaches and athletic administrators and let them know it's time to bring back the smack.

Do you support "Bring Back the Smack"  Let us know your thoughts.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Smart Phones Insulting to Dumb People

Rosco Jennings has been told he is not smart since he was 5 years old.  Now in his 30's Jennings faces ridicule from friends and family each time he uses his "smart phone."

"Everyone says, hey it's pretty ironic that an idiot like you is using something with the word smart in it," Jennings told a reporter.

Jennings is not alone on this issue and the Dumb Community Organization Association Club has written a letter to all of the major phone manufacturers pleading with them to use a more politically correct term.

An office assistant for a top telecommunications firm recalls reading the DCOAC's letter, "I have never seen so many grammatical errors in my life.  It was challenging for me to find out what the group really wanted due to the poor sentence structure and multiple stains on the hand written note."

The DCOAC hopes to resolve this issue by late 2014.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Study: Binge drinking amongst senior citizens at all time high

As baby boomers begin to settle into retirement, many are realizing they may live 10 or more years past their current nest egg savings.  In an effort to tip the scales, financial planners are suggesting clients start smoking and binge drinking so their life expectancy better lines up with their retirement plan.

Traditional non-smoking policies will now be Smoking Preferred while old Public Service Announcements are being dusted off to encourage poor health habits.

Bourbon and Scotch manufacturers are securing their place by reviving marketing campaigns and circulating old PSA's on the health benefits of whiskey.  Hard liquor pong tournaments are commonplace along with Anything Goes mixers sponsored by the liquor companies.

"STD's amongst seniors have sky rocketed but treatment is a fraction of the cost when compared to routine medical check ups and procedures," said staff physician Dr. Riley from ShadySide Retirement Community.  Adding, "the more they drink, the less I have to worry about a malpractice suit."

Ad agencies are rolling out new campaigns to this specific niche:

"Pall Mall: Unfiltered-like your views on Obama"

"What happens in the handicapped bathroom, stays there! 

"Only sneaky Japs get regular check ups.  Live Hard & Drink Grain Alcohol"

In a whiskey commercial set to air over the Thanksgiving holiday, a group of old timers are seen piling into a Buick Park Avenue smoking cigarettes.  Once inside the vehicle, a bottle of whiskey is pulled from under the driver's seat and guzzled by the driver who revs the engine then peels out.  The commercial hopes to promote what is being labeled as "Day Time Whiskey."

Gun manufacturers are also stepping up to the plate and supplying doctor's offices and retirement communities with steep discounts on hand guns.  This is a demographic which has previously been ignored but with the massive amounts smoking and binge drinking; putting a firearm in their hands just seemed American," said a Smith & Wesson rep who asked not to be identified.

So long as the rest of America can tolerate gun wielding drunk seniors, this may be our country's best option to curb looming Medicare costs.