Friday, December 28, 2012
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Here are 5 job hunting myths that your scum bag resume coach doesn't want you to hear:
Myth #1: Employers check your Facebook page
This is bullshit. The bozos in HR are way too busy to surf the web. Experts say they understand that Facebook is a personal site and has no bearing on a job candidates work credentials. I would recommend that you ignore the so called experts and continue to post controversial photos and updates. It's ok to be yourself in cyberspace.
Myth #2: Be upfront about your felony conviction
Does this make sense? Would you want to hire an ex-con? Of course not, which is why you need to lie your ass off. You can always play dumb after you have worked there for a few weeks. It's much harder to fire someone once they have proven themselves to be a productive team member.
Myth #3: Show up 15 minutes early to your interview
Do you like it when guests show up early? Then why are you arriving early? The person interviewing you will appreciate you showing up at the requested time or a few minutes late. If your early, it screws up their entire day and you come across as a real pain in the ass before they even meet you. Casually late or barely on time is the official recommendation.
Myth #4: Don't curse during the interview
This is one of the most egregious myths on the planet. By being loose and swearing, you are letting the prospective employer see the real you and it puts them at ease as well. Don't make the mistake of being overly professional. Nobody wants to hire a nerd.
Myth 5: Don't bad mouth your previous employer
If your last job was perfect, you'd still be there-right? Companies know this too. My recommendation is to bash the hell out of your ex-employer so your departure makes sense. Phrases like, they were idiots, management was horrible, or I hated my old boss are perfectly acceptable terms that I would highly suggest you use. Everyone loves gossip and this is the time to spill the beans about your old company.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Date: 2012-10-26, 7:41PM EDT
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
In need of a single female to pretend to be my fiance this Thanksgiving. You must convince my family that we are engaged. I told them you are dolphin trainer at the Baltimore aquarium and we met at one of your shows. There are going to be a TON of marine related questions so do your homework. I told my parent's you have a lisp (which you are sensitive about) and that you grew up in a foster home because your parents were meth dealers. Reply back with "Dolphin Lisperer" in subject line so I know you are legit. Willing to pay $500 plus turkey dinner and possibly some leftovers.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Date: 2011-12-8, 6:08PM EDT
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My department is having this HUGE nationwide conference call on Wednesday and I need a prank monkey to dial in and yell, "This company is run by a bunch of idiots!" Tell them your name is Mark Dunbar. Thanks a bunch! Send me a response so we can rehearse and I can give you the dial in numbers. Willing to pay $25.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Unemployed line foreman Zach Durkin recalls the night he was let go from his job, he entered his apartment and fired a set of keys at his corner bookshelf in frustration, knocking down his juggling balls.
"That was my sign," he said as he began juggling. "This is really the only thing in life that I am really passionate about. I mean...now I can really get an opportunity to practice and try to earn a living with my gift."
Durkin intends to try out for America's Got Talent in the spring and also plans on incorporating some additional items to his act including bowling pins, chain saws and even mice.
"If I can get the funds together I plan on juggling 3 or 4 mice while I stand in a ring with hungry pythons below. That added element of suspense should really impress the judges. I would love to make some costumes for the mice if I can scrape together the money," Durkin tells me while finally taking a break.
Durkin plans on asking his brother to invest in this idea so he can purchase costumes, bowling pins, about a baker's dozen of mice and four pythons.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Nostradamas was highly criticized for naming his newborn son Nostra-dumbass, however within 17 years his early prediction was accurate.
At age 2 Nostra-dumbass shoved food in his nostrils, attempting to suck down his meals through his nose. He never fully grasped the concept of eating or table manners.
At age 6 Nostra-dumbass loses sight in his right eye after accidentally stabbing himself with a fork.
At age 10 Nostra-dumbass said his first full sentence,
"I soiled my knickers. He followed by saying, "My hand toes look different than my feet toes."
At age 12 Nostra-dumbass was kicked out of school for pooping in the urinals and biting his teacher.
At age 17 Nostra-dumbass jumped to his death from a 4 story building holding a bed sheet yelling, "Look daddy I can fly. Aren't you pr..."
Nostradamus had this revelation two years prior, but kept the news to himself. Nostradamus wrote about this event in his journal:
"The idiot will plunge from the sky attempting to defeat gravity while his disappointed father shakes his head in disgust."
How to prepare for the 2012 Apocalypse