Monday, March 31, 2014

Soccer mom shirks snack parent duty

As the Lil' Raiders from Smithfield ran to the sideline for half time, they were outraged by what they didn't see.  Carol Wentz, mother of Branden, suddenly remembered this was her week to provide the snacks.  The team's only choice for hydration was to drink from the communal water fountain located at least 50 feet from the sideline.

5 year old phenom and team captain Donny Phillips, said he was really looking forward to something like a Capri Sun and possibly assorted fruit.  Adding, "It really sucks that Branden's mom is a flake.  Without a snack, I'm just not the same player.  Is it so friggin hard to toss in a reminder to your Outlook calendar?  We're parched out here."

Tired of receiving nasty looks from the other parents, Wentz went to her car and scavenged whatever she could find in a last minute attempt to make things right.  This desperate act only added fuel to the fire.

"She forgot the snacks and then tries to divide up an old box of Raisanettes to recover?  This just made the kids thirstier.  If it was me, I would have rushed to the grocery store for some gluten free team approved snacks and gotten back to the game before it ended.  Carol just stood on the sideline cheering on her son like everything was fine.  Never in a million years would I have forgotten," said stay at home mom Donna Westphal.  

Wentz was reached later by phone and did get a chance to defend her actions.  "I had a really long week and have been under a lot of stress."  The pressure obviously got to Carol as she threw out sarcastic digs,  "I am so sorry that the kids didn't get their juice box at 8:30 in the morning.  What a joke.  Next time I'll show up with a jar of peanuts to really piss everyone off.  Oh I'm sorry Coach Tom, are peanuts not on the approved snack list?  Screw everyone."

Coach Tom sent out a passive aggressive e-mail to the parents reminding them of the snack schedule and asking the parents to make a note of their date.  Although sent to the entire group, everyone knew who it was directed towards.

The drama continues next week as the Lil' Raiders continue their season with many questions still unanswered.  Will divorced parents Kim and Michael acknowledge one another?  Will Kim bring her boyfriend?  Will Branden's mother scream like a lunatic whenever he comes within fifteen feet of the ball?  Will Dylan wet himself again?  Stay tuned.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Should coaches be allowed to hit players?

All coaches would agree that there is a fine line between disciplining a player and an assault charge.  Some experts argue that crossing that line is a perfectly healthy part of a player's development.  
"I see nothing wrong with a coach throwing a kidney punch in certain situations," said sport psychologist Anthony Blumer.  "To the athlete, it's just a game.  But to the coach it's a livelihood.   If a game plan is ruined because of a mental error, physical punishment is totally acceptable."

Blumer is not alone.  A lacrosse coach, who asked not to be identified, said that athletes are subject to vicious hits on the field and doesn't see a problem with a firm slap to the face or boot in the ass when player's miss an assignment or lose focus.

Old school basketball legend Skip Conner used to slap his basketball players in the face Three Stooges style in the huddle.  He would always start with the captain and continue the slap until he completed the circle. As a result, his team won multiple championships and committed zero mental errors.

Hitting players builds character and wins ball games.  But it won't come back without your support.  Please pass this article along to other coaches and athletic administrators and let them know it's time to bring back the smack.

Do you support "Bring Back the Smack"  Let us know your thoughts.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Smart Phones Insulting to Dumb People

Rosco Jennings has been told he is not smart since he was 5 years old.  Now in his 30's Jennings faces ridicule from friends and family each time he uses his "smart phone."

"Everyone says, hey it's pretty ironic that an idiot like you is using something with the word smart in it," Jennings told a reporter.

Jennings is not alone on this issue and the Dumb Community Organization Association Club has written a letter to all of the major phone manufacturers pleading with them to use a more politically correct term.

An office assistant for a top telecommunications firm recalls reading the DCOAC's letter, "I have never seen so many grammatical errors in my life.  It was challenging for me to find out what the group really wanted due to the poor sentence structure and multiple stains on the hand written note."

The DCOAC hopes to resolve this issue by late 2014.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Study: Binge drinking amongst senior citizens at all time high

As baby boomers begin to settle into retirement, many are realizing they may live 10 or more years past their current nest egg savings.  In an effort to tip the scales, financial planners are suggesting clients start smoking and binge drinking so their life expectancy better lines up with their retirement plan.

Traditional non-smoking policies will now be Smoking Preferred while old Public Service Announcements are being dusted off to encourage poor health habits.

Bourbon and Scotch manufacturers are securing their place by reviving marketing campaigns and circulating old PSA's on the health benefits of whiskey.  Hard liquor pong tournaments are commonplace along with Anything Goes mixers sponsored by the liquor companies.

"STD's amongst seniors have sky rocketed but treatment is a fraction of the cost when compared to routine medical check ups and procedures," said staff physician Dr. Riley from ShadySide Retirement Community.  Adding, "the more they drink, the less I have to worry about a malpractice suit."

Ad agencies are rolling out new campaigns to this specific niche:

"Pall Mall: Unfiltered-like your views on Obama"

"What happens in the handicapped bathroom, stays there! 

"Only sneaky Japs get regular check ups.  Live Hard & Drink Grain Alcohol"

In a whiskey commercial set to air over the Thanksgiving holiday, a group of old timers are seen piling into a Buick Park Avenue smoking cigarettes.  Once inside the vehicle, a bottle of whiskey is pulled from under the driver's seat and guzzled by the driver who revs the engine then peels out.  The commercial hopes to promote what is being labeled as "Day Time Whiskey."

Gun manufacturers are also stepping up to the plate and supplying doctor's offices and retirement communities with steep discounts on hand guns.  This is a demographic which has previously been ignored but with the massive amounts smoking and binge drinking; putting a firearm in their hands just seemed American," said a Smith & Wesson rep who asked not to be identified.

So long as the rest of America can tolerate gun wielding drunk seniors, this may be our country's best option to curb looming Medicare costs.