Kindergarten prodigy allowed to use regular scissors

Dundalk, MD

After three hours of debate, the school board of East Falls Elementary have agreed to allow incoming student, Cornelius Petticoat, the use of normal scissors in lieu of safety scissors, but declined his second request to run with them.

Petticoat, who speaks three languages, was pleased with the board's overall decision.  "I'm happy the board was able to see my point of view.  I stopped using safety scissors when I was 2."

The future kindergartner began his plea with faculty in May 2014 after being forced to use kid scissors throughout Pre-K 4 which he believed impacted his arts and crafts performance.

"If you go back and look at some of the projects I worked on last year, they were by far the best in the class, but well below my normal standards.  That sorry excuse for a cutting device severely impacted my ability to perform precision style cuts of which I am accustomed," said Petticoat.

For the duration of the summer, Cornelius tells MPG that he plans on second guessing his mother's parenting skills and binge watching Game of Thrones from the beginning.



  

Crying babies added to no fly list

The FAA released great news for travelers. Beginning this Wednesday, crying babies or children that appear irritable will no longer be allowed to board domestic flights.

"We have counseled with Homeland Security and in an effort to accommodate the crew and our passenger's sanity, your screaming toddler will be held back with the TSA if he or she is showing any signs of crankiness," FAA Chief, Randy Babbitt told reporters. Later adding, "should the parents wish to leave their child behind, the airlines have agreed to pay cab fare to a local foster home until the parents return."

Regular business traveler Jim Schmoyer said, "This is going to be great! It's bad enough flying coach, let alone sitting next to a crying baby. It's about time someone stood up for the grown ups."

The TSA's litmus test will be a bulletin board of humorous and cute items which they will show the child.  Should the child laugh or at least show signs of apathy, they will be allowed to board.  Any scowl, brow furrowing, or crying will result in a missed flight.

###

Soccer mom shirks snack parent duty

As the Lil' Raiders from Smithfield ran to the sideline for half time, they were outraged by what they didn't see.  Carol Wentz, mother of Branden, suddenly remembered this was her week to provide the snacks.  The team's only choice for hydration was to drink from the communal water fountain located at least 50 feet from the sideline.

5 year old phenom and team captain Donny Phillips, said he was really looking forward to something like a Capri Sun and possibly assorted fruit.  Adding, "It really sucks that Branden's mom is a flake.  Without a snack, I'm just not the same player.  Is it so friggin hard to toss in a reminder to your Outlook calendar?  We're parched out here."

Tired of receiving nasty looks from the other parents, Wentz went to her car and scavenged whatever she could find in a last minute attempt to make things right.  This desperate act only added fuel to the fire.

"She forgot the snacks and then tries to divide up an old box of Raisanettes to recover?  This just made the kids thirstier.  If it was me, I would have rushed to the grocery store for some gluten free team approved snacks and gotten back to the game before it ended.  Carol just stood on the sideline cheering on her son like everything was fine.  Never in a million years would I have forgotten," said stay at home mom Donna Westphal.  

Wentz was reached later by phone and did get a chance to defend her actions.  "I had a really long week and have been under a lot of stress."  The pressure obviously got to Carol as she threw out sarcastic digs,  "I am so sorry that the kids didn't get their juice box at 8:30 in the morning.  What a joke.  Next time I'll show up with a jar of peanuts to really piss everyone off.  Oh I'm sorry Coach Tom, are peanuts not on the approved snack list?  Screw everyone."

Coach Tom sent out a passive aggressive e-mail to the parents reminding them of the snack schedule and asking the parents to make a note of their date.  Although sent to the entire group, everyone knew who it was directed towards.

The drama continues next week as the Lil' Raiders continue their season with many questions still unanswered.  Will divorced parents Kim and Michael acknowledge one another?  Will Kim bring her boyfriend?  Will Branden's mother scream like a lunatic whenever he comes within fifteen feet of the ball?  Will Dylan wet himself again?  Stay tuned.