Kindergarten prodigy allowed to use regular scissors

Dundalk, MD

After three hours of debate, the school board of East Falls Elementary have agreed to allow incoming student, Cornelius Petticoat, the use of normal scissors in lieu of safety scissors, but declined his second request to run with them.

Petticoat, who speaks three languages, was pleased with the board's overall decision.  "I'm happy the board was able to see my point of view.  I stopped using safety scissors when I was 2."

The future kindergartner began his plea with faculty in May 2014 after being forced to use kid scissors throughout Pre-K 4 which he believed impacted his arts and crafts performance.

"If you go back and look at some of the projects I worked on last year, they were by far the best in the class, but well below my normal standards.  That sorry excuse for a cutting device severely impacted my ability to perform precision style cuts of which I am accustomed," said Petticoat.

For the duration of the summer, Cornelius tells MPG that he plans on second guessing his mother's parenting skills and binge watching Game of Thrones from the beginning.



  

Science teacher hoping new mustache will gain him respect with incoming 5th grade class

New Brunswick, NJ-  Local science teacher Ronald Harley's new look is not merely a fashion statement, but an attempt to get more respect this school year from a fresh set of pupils.

"Last year was a disaster," admitted Harley.  "This wise ass kid, Alex Darby, asks me, how far is Uranus from the moon?"

"For the first time in my teaching career, I thought I actually connected with a student and was really making a difference in this young man's life.  Maybe he would mention me as his inspiration years from now at some awards ceremony -who knows?  But as I scurried to look up the distance, I could here some snickering which grew louder by the second.  That's when I realized he was just busting my balls.  I lost all respect from my class for the remainder of the school year."

The mustache, which has been a work in progress since late June, should give Harley the instant respect that a young Tom Selleck would merit.  But good looks from his crisp new mustache will only get him so far.  Harley wisely chose to gather as much intel about the upcoming class as possible.  

"I actively reached out to some of the 4th grade teachers to see if I had any comedians coming into my class.  One name popped up repeatedly;  Ryder Hickory.  I already have it planned out that if Ryder gives me trouble, I'm gonna say: Keep it up Ryder and I'll be ridin' my foot up your ass!" Harley giggled.

"If anybody else acts up, I'm gonna smash this old solar system model on the floor to let them know I'm in charge.  I'll probably add something like-that's why you don't F with me!  Harley didn't want to get painted into a corner with that particular outburst as he feels the raw adrenaline will take over in that hypothetical situation.

MPG was able to contact Ryder Hickory who stated that he has a game plan of his own.  "On the first day of school, I'm going to raise my hand and say: Mr. Harley, I mustache you a question.  If he says what, I'm going to say, "How far is Uranus from your mustache."

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