Kindergarten prodigy allowed to use regular scissors

Dundalk, MD

After three hours of debate, the school board of East Falls Elementary have agreed to allow incoming student, Cornelius Petticoat, the use of normal scissors in lieu of safety scissors, but declined his second request to run with them.

Petticoat, who speaks three languages, was pleased with the board's overall decision.  "I'm happy the board was able to see my point of view.  I stopped using safety scissors when I was 2."

The future kindergartner began his plea with faculty in May 2014 after being forced to use kid scissors throughout Pre-K 4 which he believed impacted his arts and crafts performance.

"If you go back and look at some of the projects I worked on last year, they were by far the best in the class, but well below my normal standards.  That sorry excuse for a cutting device severely impacted my ability to perform precision style cuts of which I am accustomed," said Petticoat.

For the duration of the summer, Cornelius tells MPG that he plans on second guessing his mother's parenting skills and binge watching Game of Thrones from the beginning.



  

Mexican drones stealing jobs from American drones

Jobs formerly performed by American drones such as package delivery and bombing lesser known terrorist organizations are now being done by cheaper Mexican drones according to a statistic published by the Department of Labor & Industry.

The report, which has the domestic drone community in an uproar, stated that up to 70% of lesser skilled drone missions are now completed by Mexican drones, many of whom fly into America illegally.

"It used to be that you could support your family with these jobs, but now employers are just swinging by the local Radio Shack at 6 am to pick up some illegals hanging outside the front of the building.  And you know what really pisses me off?  Most of these drones can't even speak binary code!" said an anonymous drone.

Economist Gerald Rothenberger pleas with American drones not to take out their frustration on migrant drones.  "It's not their fault.  Blame should be placed solely on the companies choosing to work with undocumented machines."

Although Rothenberger's comments are not what Americans want to hear, it's the truth.  The migrant drones are simply looking for a better life for their anchor baby drones.

Sure, there's no glamour in delivering packages for Amazon, but one day, their spawn may grow up to join an elite crew responsible for dropping massive bombs on unsuspecting Middle Easterners.  And after all, isn't that the American dream?

Weirdest advertisement for a daycare EVER

So I need to put my kids in daycare, but I want the experience to be a Vegas style, no holds barred type environment where something reckless can happen at any moment -any suggestions?

Seriously, what the hell is with this sign?

"Um, Mrs. Smith, I'd like to tell you why your son has a giant bruise on his leg, but you know that slogan-what happens in daycare stays in daycare."

To be fair, this might have been a doggie day care which in some ways makes this even weirder.  What the hell are you doing with these dogs during the day?  Are you trying to breed the next Labradoodle? Maybe organizing some dog fighting ring?

"Ok, we'll bring Scout up in a second.  You may notice he has a bunch of scratches and some hair missing, but you'll be glad to know he earned $300 today.  I'd love to fill you in on the details but...you know."

Another reason I am fascinated with this sign is the unnecessary follow up, Just Like Vegas!  Like the person who ran this daycare saw it initially and said, "Maybe that's too vague, we have some room left, so let's play it safe."

Maybe this is a Nathan For You prank-who knows?

Was there a marketing meeting that went something like this:

"I want our new clients to feel like they are taking a gamble by leaving us in charge, but also want to add a weird element.  Kind of like that Vegas commercial."