5 Groundhog Day facts you didn't know about Punxsutawney Phil

Happy Groundhog Day 2014
We've all thought about stealing Punxsutawney Phil and keeping him as a pet-but think before you act.  Groundhogs are demanding animals and quite honestly belong in the wild,  I trapped one to keep as a pet and the little bastard has cost me thousands.  If you must steal Phil, be prepared for the 5 things you didn't know about the whistle pig. 

1. Hibernation. My groundhog hibernates in my basement all winter long. This may sound like a good thing, but when he wakes up in the spring, it's a different story. Each year, right around March Madness, he waddles up from my basement. He's hungry, horny and ornery.  Picture an angry rottweiler trying to hump your leg all day-staring through you with those cold dark eyes.  It's creepy.

2. Digging. These animals absolutely LOVE to dig. I need to replace the carpeting in my townhouse twice a year. Last July he dug through the dry wall and wedged himself in between the walls. I had to call a contractor to help me remove him AND he bit me during the process. I had to get a rabies shot.

3. Veterinarian Care. Not many vets will even agree to see a "pet" groundhog, let alone have experience in dealing with one. I only brought my little guy to the vet once and it was not a pleasant experience. The vet told me I shouldn't try to domesticate a wild animal.  She was going to call animal control so I smashed a jar of dog treats to distract her so Buford (that's his name) and I could escape.  

4. Not good with kids. When I first trapped Buford, I tried to get him comfortable around children. I assume he perceives children as threats, which is why he started snarling so viciously. I settled out of court with the kid's family, but for safety measures, I now put him on a leash when we go out and tie a piece of string around his snout so he can't snap.

5. Special dietary needs. The pet stores don't carry groundhog food, so I just feed him table scraps which may be why he weighs about 45 pounds and is very lethargic. His favorite snack is Bugles and I sometimes let him eat taffy and pretend he is trying to talk.  I guess it's not all bad, but be warned.

Happy Groundhog Day idiots!

Jared celebrates New Year's Day with new calendar

Biggest Job Hunting Myths

Here are 5 job hunting myths that your scum bag resume coach doesn't want you to hear:

Myth #1: Employers check your Facebook page
This is bullshit.  The bozos in HR are way too busy to surf the web.  Experts say they understand that Facebook is a personal site and has no bearing on a job candidates work credentials.  I would recommend that you ignore the so called experts and continue to post controversial photos and updates. It's ok to be yourself in cyberspace.

Myth #2: Be upfront about your felony conviction
Does this make sense?  Would you want to hire an ex-con?  Of course not, which is why you need to lie your ass off.  You can always play dumb after you have worked there for a few weeks.  It's much harder to fire someone once they have proven themselves to be a productive team member.

Myth #3: Show up 15 minutes early to your interview
Do you like it when guests show up early?  Then why are you arriving early?  The person interviewing you will appreciate you showing up at the requested time or a few minutes late.  If your early, it screws up their entire day and you come across as a real pain in the ass before they even meet you.  Casually late or barely on time is the official recommendation.

Myth #4: Don't curse during the interview
This is one of the most egregious myths on the planet.  By being loose and swearing, you are letting the prospective employer see the real you and it puts them at ease as well.  Don't make the mistake of being overly professional.  Nobody wants to hire a nerd.

Myth 5: Don't bad mouth your previous employer
If your last job was perfect, you'd still be there-right?  Companies know this too.  My recommendation is to bash the hell out of your ex-employer so your departure makes sense.  Phrases like, they were idiots, management was horrible, or I hated my old boss are perfectly acceptable terms that I would highly suggest you use.  Everyone loves gossip and this is the time to spill the beans about your old company.