Study: Binge drinking amongst senior citizens at all time high

As baby boomers begin to settle into retirement, many are realizing they may live 10 or more years past their current nest egg savings.  In an effort to tip the scales, financial planners are suggesting clients start smoking and binge drinking so their life expectancy better lines up with their retirement plan.

Traditional non-smoking policies will now be Smoking Preferred while old Public Service Announcements are being dusted off to encourage poor health habits.

Bourbon and Scotch manufacturers are securing their place by reviving marketing campaigns and circulating old PSA's on the health benefits of whiskey.  Hard liquor pong tournaments are commonplace along with Anything Goes mixers sponsored by the liquor companies.

"STD's amongst seniors have sky rocketed but treatment is a fraction of the cost when compared to routine medical check ups and procedures," said staff physician Dr. Riley from ShadySide Retirement Community.  Adding, "the more they drink, the less I have to worry about a malpractice suit."

Ad agencies are rolling out new campaigns to this specific niche:

"Pall Mall: Unfiltered-like your views on Obama"

"What happens in the handicapped bathroom, stays there! 

"Only sneaky Japs get regular check ups.  Live Hard & Drink Grain Alcohol"

In a whiskey commercial set to air over the Thanksgiving holiday, a group of old timers are seen piling into a Buick Park Avenue smoking cigarettes.  Once inside the vehicle, a bottle of whiskey is pulled from under the driver's seat and guzzled by the driver who revs the engine then peels out.  The commercial hopes to promote what is being labeled as "Day Time Whiskey."

Gun manufacturers are also stepping up to the plate and supplying doctor's offices and retirement communities with steep discounts on hand guns.  This is a demographic which has previously been ignored but with the massive amounts smoking and binge drinking; putting a firearm in their hands just seemed American," said a Smith & Wesson rep who asked not to be identified.

So long as the rest of America can tolerate gun wielding drunk seniors, this may be our country's best option to curb looming Medicare costs.

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Piece of shit snow blower fails when needed most

Scranton, PA.

Local man Guy Bellefonte will be on the heating pad for the remainder of the day as his piece of monkey shit snow blower decided to throw up the French flag as he battled the aftermath of the Hercules storm.

After wrestling with the primer pump and yanking on the starter, the beast finally awoke from its one year slumber making loud unnatural noises and vomiting blue exhaust  directly into Bellefonte's lungs; taking approximately 1-2 years off of his life.

Bellefonte, determined to make it work, covered his face with a scarf to filter out the smoke, then engaged the blades.  The glimmer of hope faded fast as the machine pushed out snow like toothpaste.   Although the snow was light, it easily overmatched the lazy machine; jamming it shut.

Channeling Jimmy Valvano's message of "Don't give up, don't ever give up," Bellefonte turned off the machine and as recommended by the owners manual-grabbed a rusty screwdriver and violently broke up the packed snow.  The dangerous blue smoke lit up the morning sky once more as he engaged the blades.  On this run the stubborn-dirty-rat bastard-snow blower dribbled out less and jammed even quicker this time.

"Well...that should just about wrap things up," Bellefonte said sarcastically before firing off a tirade of profanity laced screams causing neighbors to take a peek out their windows at the debacle.  A pair of sunglasses and a recycling bin paid the ultimate price in the process bringing the casualty total to three.

Accepting defeat, he reluctantly grabbed a snow shovel to help his wife (who had just about finished shoveling at this point) as the snow thrower looked on mockingly.    

Insufferable fantasy football nerd ruins game day party

Athens, GA:  Co-worker/fantasy football extremist, Rolland Dupree, managed to spoil a Sunday of food, fun and football with non stop updates about his fantasy players and chest pounding as the opponent's running back broke the 100 yard barrier.

Phrases such as, that's my boy; why didn't I draft him?; and I hate this vulture back! spewed from his mouth like toxic waste.

Party host, Steve Riley was visibly upset.  "I threw him a pity invite late Friday at work, which I now realize was one of the greatest mistakes of my adult life."

During commercial breaks Dupree kicked things up with phone calls to fellow fantasy nerds resulting in shouting matches over who was who's bitch that particular week.

The final straw came in the 4th quarter when Dupree was involved in a heated phone conversation regarding some last minute trade for Sunday night's game and managed to drop his pulled pork sandwich onto the carpet.

Unable to hold back any longer, Riley yelled out a few German commands while pointing at Dupree.  In a matter of two seconds Riley's 5 year old German Shepherd, Rudy, had Dupree pinned to the ground by his neck.  "Guess you're on the disabled list-BITCH," Riley shouted as his guest pleaded for him to call off his dog.    

"I'm not proud of what I did, but given the situation, I felt my actions were appropriate," Riley told police.